the thing about losing you
is not just that the last time we did anything
was the last time we did anything
it's also that I am now experiencing so many firsts without you
I can't help it
life goes on, cruelly
I must
but sometimes I forget,
and I live
then I remember my living
in context (that is, while you're not)
I need that time machine
like yesterday
like tomorrow
I just want you here.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
the Jack of all cars
I think I'll only really do this once: write a car review.
I have been taking our car to Nissan for the past 3 oil changes or so, just because my work schedule is flexier than Herm's and I can take the car in during the day, avoiding the weekend rush. sometimes I worry they tack on unnecessary maintenance and charges because I look both young and female. and they would be right, I know so very little about cars.
today our car needed a lot of different things: the AC belt (7), brake fluids (3), pollen and air filters (2). the bracket is the number of years the last change lasted us. somehow all the needs converged on this day (or i forgot to take the "sucker" sign off my head) and because not all parts were in shop, they offered to let me go home in a rental.
the only thing available was a Ford Focus.
have you met people who seem modest and normal, but when they speak or act they underperform disappointingly and compensates by overplaying something they're proud of? in car form, he/she would be FORD FOCUS. I tried to drive home in the wet snow when it decided it was best to lock me in first gear so despite others cutting in front and beside me, I couldn't do anything but to wobble and slide in a very glamorous 20km/h. embarrassing/maddening. no way to override. also for a car with that name, it has a very distracting dashboard. who would need a glowing phone number pad (complete with abc def ghi letters) and two separate thumb console on the steering wheel to control two separate extraneous functions in detail? while driving? can they instead have installed a wiper in the back, so ice won't freeze and refreeze over the crucial, life-preserving rear view??
tomorrow we will get versa back, in exchange for figurative arms and legs. I never knew our car was so adequate. when the rubber hits the road, hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more no more no more. you - ha - drive me nuts.
I have been taking our car to Nissan for the past 3 oil changes or so, just because my work schedule is flexier than Herm's and I can take the car in during the day, avoiding the weekend rush. sometimes I worry they tack on unnecessary maintenance and charges because I look both young and female. and they would be right, I know so very little about cars.
today our car needed a lot of different things: the AC belt (7), brake fluids (3), pollen and air filters (2). the bracket is the number of years the last change lasted us. somehow all the needs converged on this day (or i forgot to take the "sucker" sign off my head) and because not all parts were in shop, they offered to let me go home in a rental.
the only thing available was a Ford Focus.
have you met people who seem modest and normal, but when they speak or act they underperform disappointingly and compensates by overplaying something they're proud of? in car form, he/she would be FORD FOCUS. I tried to drive home in the wet snow when it decided it was best to lock me in first gear so despite others cutting in front and beside me, I couldn't do anything but to wobble and slide in a very glamorous 20km/h. embarrassing/maddening. no way to override. also for a car with that name, it has a very distracting dashboard. who would need a glowing phone number pad (complete with abc def ghi letters) and two separate thumb console on the steering wheel to control two separate extraneous functions in detail? while driving? can they instead have installed a wiper in the back, so ice won't freeze and refreeze over the crucial, life-preserving rear view??
tomorrow we will get versa back, in exchange for figurative arms and legs. I never knew our car was so adequate. when the rubber hits the road, hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more no more no more. you - ha - drive me nuts.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
sensitive
you know how when something sticks out in your mind, it primes you so you see even more of that same something in the other faucets of your life?
tonight on our drive home, we saw a new moon hanging low by the streetlights. it was serene, beautiful, but (of all things) it made me anxious because it reminded me that time is cyclical but that it's not, so how many new moons will my grandparents be around to see before they find meaning in it? before they find meaning in you?
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end — it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
tonight on our drive home, we saw a new moon hanging low by the streetlights. it was serene, beautiful, but (of all things) it made me anxious because it reminded me that time is cyclical but that it's not, so how many new moons will my grandparents be around to see before they find meaning in it? before they find meaning in you?
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end — it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
Friday, February 14, 2014
bully dream bars
I had a dream I tackled an obnoxious rude kid and threatened to call the cops on him, because he took my things. He started crying and gave me a cookie (from under the sink, if I remember correctly. Dreams are nuts).
It was a chocolate chip shortbread with a neat line of peanut butter in the middle. Not something I'd eaten or seen before. When I woke up, I wanted to eat it forreal. So I found some blueprints and made it happen.
Cookie based on Crisp Toffee Chocolate Bars, from Mad Hungry by Lucinda Quinn.
- 1/2c unsalted butter, soft
- 1/2c light brown sugar
- 1/2tsp salt
- 1/2tsp vanilla
- 1c + 2tbsp all purpose flour
- barely 1/2c (maybe not even 1/3c) chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350ºF.
Line a 8x8 square pan with foil or parchment. Have the liners overhang, so they become handles for when you take the bars out.
In a bowl, mix together soft butter, brown sugar, salt, and vanilla. Sift in the flour; add chocolate chips. Mix until combined. Split into two halves (you can just draw a line in your bowl)
Mix filling. Don't bother being precise. Plain pb works, but rips dough.
- 1/4c peanut butter
- 1tbsp icing sugar
- pinch salt
- vanilla
Spread half of cookie mixture into pan, compacting it. Make sure it's in all the corners. Spread filling on top. I like to scatter multiple dollops of that on the cookie and then "connect the blobs". That way you minimize tear. I sprinkled a tiny bit more salt on the peanut butter.
Crumble remaining half of cookie mixture on top of filling, making sure you cover everything. Or not. I packed it cause I wanted a neat "sandwich" look, but I suspect you can make it crumb-bar like too, just by not pressing it down.
Bake for about 20 minutes, rotating halfway, until golden and set. Cut into pieces while still warm in pan. Make coffeeeeeee.
It was a chocolate chip shortbread with a neat line of peanut butter in the middle. Not something I'd eaten or seen before. When I woke up, I wanted to eat it forreal. So I found some blueprints and made it happen.
Cookie based on Crisp Toffee Chocolate Bars, from Mad Hungry by Lucinda Quinn.
- 1/2c unsalted butter, soft
- 1/2c light brown sugar
- 1/2tsp salt
- 1/2tsp vanilla
- 1c + 2tbsp all purpose flour
- barely 1/2c (maybe not even 1/3c) chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350ºF.
Line a 8x8 square pan with foil or parchment. Have the liners overhang, so they become handles for when you take the bars out.
In a bowl, mix together soft butter, brown sugar, salt, and vanilla. Sift in the flour; add chocolate chips. Mix until combined. Split into two halves (you can just draw a line in your bowl)
Mix filling. Don't bother being precise. Plain pb works, but rips dough.
- 1/4c peanut butter
- 1tbsp icing sugar
- pinch salt
- vanilla
Spread half of cookie mixture into pan, compacting it. Make sure it's in all the corners. Spread filling on top. I like to scatter multiple dollops of that on the cookie and then "connect the blobs". That way you minimize tear. I sprinkled a tiny bit more salt on the peanut butter.
Crumble remaining half of cookie mixture on top of filling, making sure you cover everything. Or not. I packed it cause I wanted a neat "sandwich" look, but I suspect you can make it crumb-bar like too, just by not pressing it down.
Bake for about 20 minutes, rotating halfway, until golden and set. Cut into pieces while still warm in pan. Make coffeeeeeee.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
corn optional
At dinner, Herm and I pondered what edible dish best describes us, our personalities.
Herm: I dunno, never really thought about it.
And then we kept eating. Married life is thrilling.
I think this is better than watching the Avengers (or Psych, but most definitely HIMYM) with our mouths full, so I pressed for an answer.
He thinks he is Shepherds Pie. When asked why, "It's easy? ...Easy to take in, everyone recognizes it. Not everyone can make it, but it's fundamental. Meat and potatoes." Herm is easy to like, predictable but adaptable. Soft?
Herm: or an omelette!
me: why?
Herm: ......I dunno. I don't know what meat to throw in there.
Not a relevant answer. Not an answer to anything, actually. But those dishes he identified with happen to be his favourites. Does he like them because they fit with who he is?
After this I could only think of pho for me. The soup looks boring, but it took time to become what it is; you can't tell a flavour profile just by looking. Then you throw cold, crunchy, fresh things into the hot soup, random bursts of spice and sweetness - a study of contrast.
Sounds cool, but I think we are all contradictory beings.
What food do you think you are, and why? It doesn't have to be cooked.
Herm: I dunno, never really thought about it.
And then we kept eating. Married life is thrilling.
I think this is better than watching the Avengers (or Psych, but most definitely HIMYM) with our mouths full, so I pressed for an answer.
He thinks he is Shepherds Pie. When asked why, "It's easy? ...Easy to take in, everyone recognizes it. Not everyone can make it, but it's fundamental. Meat and potatoes." Herm is easy to like, predictable but adaptable. Soft?
Herm: or an omelette!
me: why?
Herm: ......I dunno. I don't know what meat to throw in there.
Not a relevant answer. Not an answer to anything, actually. But those dishes he identified with happen to be his favourites. Does he like them because they fit with who he is?
After this I could only think of pho for me. The soup looks boring, but it took time to become what it is; you can't tell a flavour profile just by looking. Then you throw cold, crunchy, fresh things into the hot soup, random bursts of spice and sweetness - a study of contrast.
Sounds cool, but I think we are all contradictory beings.
What food do you think you are, and why? It doesn't have to be cooked.
Friday, January 24, 2014
didn't ask
"Through it all, God has been with me. I never would have wanted to endure what I went through, and I never want to feel that way again, but I am who I am today because of what God has done in me through these circumstances, and for that I'm thankful.
If you have some time, watch this video about a pastor and a firefighter. The firefighter fell asleep at the wheel and killed the pastor's pregnant wife and unborn son. his response was gracious, tender, unnatural.
One thing I've learned from this whole experience is that God is faithful, and with a little bit of faith, we intersect with his faithfulness, God shows up big. And does amazing things in us. Through us."
If you have some time, watch this video about a pastor and a firefighter. The firefighter fell asleep at the wheel and killed the pastor's pregnant wife and unborn son. his response was gracious, tender, unnatural.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
on letting go
how lucky i am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard! --winnie the pooh, according to the internet
monday was my last shift at the group home. last week i asked my manager to give me no more shifts for Sept, that way i won't have to be there for the two weeks' notice that i'm giving tomorrow.
before working here i did not know i relied so much on / am so familiar with norms and instincts. before working here, i didn't know love and care is often shown through really mundane things like buying the right conditioner, or putting your finger on the heel of someone's shoe so they don't step on it when they put it on.
my first shift there i met j, and for my last shift on monday a thoughtful coworker let me work with j. about 20 minutes before my shift ended, she was smiling and dancing in the living room. i hadn't worked with her for months cause i was away for summer school and so i was surprised when someone walked by and said hey! j hasn't been dancing like this for a long time.
in heaven i'm going to ask her to teach me her perfect footwork, but in the mean time i hope she knows i loved her.
monday was my last shift at the group home. last week i asked my manager to give me no more shifts for Sept, that way i won't have to be there for the two weeks' notice that i'm giving tomorrow.
before working here i did not know i relied so much on / am so familiar with norms and instincts. before working here, i didn't know love and care is often shown through really mundane things like buying the right conditioner, or putting your finger on the heel of someone's shoe so they don't step on it when they put it on.
my first shift there i met j, and for my last shift on monday a thoughtful coworker let me work with j. about 20 minutes before my shift ended, she was smiling and dancing in the living room. i hadn't worked with her for months cause i was away for summer school and so i was surprised when someone walked by and said hey! j hasn't been dancing like this for a long time.
in heaven i'm going to ask her to teach me her perfect footwork, but in the mean time i hope she knows i loved her.
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